HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! I WONDER WHAT 2017 WILL HOLD…
PROBABLY NOT WORLD WAR III. DEFINITELY DOUBT THAT’S GOING TO START UP.
Anyway wow wasting time here are the honorable mentions.
OH THE HORROR:
There were a few really great horror movies out last year. Here are the ones that almost made the cut:
The Purge: Election Year
Directed by James DeMonaco
Written by James DeMonaco
Listen the first Purge was awful but man did they pick it up for the next two. Just a solid, fun, entertaining movie. The political stuff is handled with all the subtle nuance as killing someone with a boulder, but it’s fine window dressing.
Ouija: Origin of Evil
Directed by Mike Flanagan
Written by Mike Flanagan and Jeff Howard
The first Ouija was (pardon my french) fucking terrible. It was boring, it wasn’t the LEAST bit scary, it wasn’t interesting, and the acting was terrible. Instead of cranking out more bullshit for the prequel, they hired Mike Flanagan, who directed Oculus, Hush, and Absentia. Which ranged from solid to excellent. So I was optimistic about this despite the first movie. I was right it was really good.
Directed by Adam Wingard
Written by Simon Barrett
Heyyyyyyyy I wrote about this in my 31 Days of Horror. Basically, I liked it because it was very very similar to the original. Like VERY similar. But it smartly justifies that in a really cool way that I won’t give away. I actually really really liked this.
Directed by David F. Sandberg
Written by Eric Heisserer
Lights Out was produced by James Wan who I DO NOT LIKE. But it was still good. Because he had very little to do with it creatively. It was really nice to see such a fun, spooky horror movie actually be a mainstream, wide release.
OK THOSE WERE THE HORRORS. NOW FOR THE OSCAR BAITS.
These are the Prestige pictures that were good, but didn’t quite completely nail it for me. Basically my only problems with these movies were that they were a little too polished and seemed a little superficial. Otherwise really solid movies.
Directed by Pablo Larrain
Written by Noah Oppenheim
This is maybe Natalie Portman’s best performance to date. Which is NUTS. Because she’s often great. It also just looked SO good. Definitely one of the best-looking movies of the year. Most of the (very many) close-ups of Natalie Portman looked like portraits.
Directed by Theodore Melfi
Written by Allison Schroeder and Theodore Melfi
This is VERY important and inspiring story told VERY safely and gently. The performances were excellent.
Directed by Mel Gibson
Written by Robert Schenkkan and Andrew Knight
Hacksaw Ridge featured some of the tightest editing of any war movie I’ve ever seen. The action scenes were very intense and well-executed. Acting was excellent. It was a LITTLE TOO preachy, although I totally agree with its message of pacifism. Though the movie itself didn’t feel particularly anti-war…
THE SHOCK JOCKS
These movies’ sole intention was to shock and entertain. While they both did, neither did it successfully enough to quite make it into the Top 50.
Directed by Conrad Vernon and Greg Tiernan
Written by Kyle Hunter, Ariel Shaffir, Seth Rogen, and Evan Goldberg
Fuck it, I thought it was really funny.
The Greasy Strangler
Directed by Jim Hosking
Written by Toby Harvard and Jim Hosking
HOOTIE TOOTIE DISCO CUTIE HOOTIE TOOTIE DISCO CUTIE HOOTIE TOOTIE DISCO CUTIE HOOTIE TOOTIE DISCO CUTIE HOOTIE TOOTIE DISCO CUTIE HOOTIE TOOTIE DISCO CUTIE HOOTIE TOOTIE DISCO CUTIE HOOTIE TOOTIE DISCO CUTIE HOOTIE TOOTIE DISCO CUTIE HOOTIE TOOTIE DISCO CUTIE HOOTIE TOOTIE DISCO CUTIE
The Greasy Strangler is the most disgusting movie I have ever seen. The moment we get it in at work, I’m buying it. Michael St. Michaels is a god.
OK NOW HERE ARE THE UNFAIRLY REJECTED BLOCKBUSTERS
Directed by Duncan Jones
Written by Charles Leavitt and Duncan Jones
Warcraft was not amazing by any means. The plot was incoherent. It was too long. But it featured some of the most fantastic CGI I’ve EVER seen, the acting was mostly good, and it was fun to watch. Fuck it, it was fine.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
Directed by Dave Green
Written by Josh Applebaum and Andre Nemec
This is the movie the first one should have been. It was goofy, fun, light on actual complex plot and more interested in exciting action scenes and the Turtles having fun together. The first TMNT was boring and annoying. The sequel was fun and carefree. AS IT SHOULD BE.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, MY ALMOST FAVORITE FOREIGN FILMS.
A Man Called Ove (En man som heter Ove)
Directed by Hannes Holm
Written by Hannes Holm
This is a beautiful movie, don’t get me wrong. It got a LITTLE TOO SENTIMENTAL for me, but it’s still a wonderful story with a phenomenal lead performanmce by Swedish actor Rolf Lassgård.
The Mermaid (美人鱼/美人魚)
Directed by Stephen Chow
Written by Stephen Chow, Kelvin Lee, Ho Miu-kei, Lu Zhengyu, Fung Chih-chiang, Ivy Kong, Chan Hing-ka, and Tsang Kan-cheung
Stephen Chow made Kung Fu Hustle, the man knows how to make a fun god damn movie. The Mermaid is no exception. It’s a very fun, funny movie with slight aspects of absurdist surrealism. It’s really great.
OK GUYS look out for the next few days for the actual Top 50. Sorry for the delays. I’ve been busy. Also holy shit I’ve been watching Armageddon while writing this and it’s so god damn dumb. It’s great.