THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SPOILERS, NSFW LANGUAGE, AND RAGE. UNFILTERED RAGE.
You’ve been warned.
Hello guys. We’re still months away from my best of 2016 list due to a variety of things that include, but aren’t limited to school and work. However, since I am done with all the bad movies (I hope) of this past bad god damn year, I thought I’d write up a nice little article talking about them. So here we go.
The Missed Opportunity Award.
This award is dedicated to the films that really had a lot going for them. There were good things at play throughout the entire film, and in the end, I felt more disappointed than anything. Movies that, through casting, pacing, writing, and/or general issues could have been solid. Movies that had a number of good moments that were drowned out by the bad. This award goes to:
Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice
Directed by: Zack Snyder
Written by: Chris Terrio, David S. Goyer, Zack Snyder’s sweaty dick
Batman is a fantastic, timeless comic book hero. Since his inception, he has been the alternative to the goody two-shoes (except in the 50s and 60s) boy scout hero. He has a tragic background, and many writers and artists have cemented his legacy as a deep, complex character.
Superman is boring. He’s always been boring. He’ll always be boring. That’s why he’s good. Christopher Reeve played a god damn great boring hero. Zack Snyder tried to turn him into Batman in Man of Steel, which is a dumb movie with some good parts but mostly dumb.
Ben Affleck is a solid Batman. I’m optimistic about his future in the role. Henry Cavill is a pretty bad Superman, with worse writing behind him to top it all off. Superman should be charismatic and smiling, not tensing his jaw muscles constantly.
But I’ve gotten off-track. This movie had some cool stuff going for it. Batman being violent and insane is solid. I think they took it too far, but I’m not too upset that they decided to go full Frank Miller. Superman is the same stupid, boring, grim-dark Superman from MoS. Eisenberg as Luthor is so inconsistent I like him or hate him depending on where I am in the movie. Gal Gadot is a very good Wonder Woman.
Doomsday was severely, aggressively wasted and I am so, SO mad about that.
The movie has terrible pacing, it’s way too long, and there are so many subplots and build-ups to the Justice League that it’s narratively incomprehensible for 90% of it’s endless runtime.
And FUCK Martha.
The Objectively Worst Award.
This award goes to the worst movie of the year. The movie that I saw that so incredibly lacked quality in every area that it hurts to think about how much a movie goes through before it gets released into theaters. A movie so incomprehensibly bad that I can’t breathe when I think about all that wasted time and money. A movie so bad that every dollar it made makes me hate the human race and everything they stand for. This horrible, shameful award goes to:
God’s Not Dead 2
Directed by Harold Cronk
Written by Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon, Jesus of Nazareth, The oppressed masses
God’s Not Dead is the The Room of faith-based dramas. It’s so bad in every way that it becomes hilarious. The straw men, flagrant racism, and terrible cameos make it one of the most unintentionally funny movies of the 21st century.
This is not that.
This is much worse. It’s about a public high school teacher who mentions Jesus in class and students text their parents about their crises of faith, which results in the teacher in court somehow with an atheist lawyer (an attempt to prove that this isn’t about THE LORD, it’s about JUSTICE, FREEDOM, and the GAT DAMN FIRST AMENDMENT). They argue that since Jesus definitely existed historically, that mentioning Jesus and his teachings in a history class is simply teaching history, and is therefore perfectly acceptable in a public school.
This movie has taken it upon itself to prove the existence of Jesus.
And they win, of course, because the fossil records and science are on their side.
I guess. (It’s not)
Anyway what makes this movie worse than the first one is that it dials the persecution complex up to 11 (70% of Americans identify as Christian), and it’s aggressively boring. It’s so boring. It was almost impossible to pay attention to. Terrible in every way.
The Southpaw Award for Most Disappointing.
This award is dedicated to the movie Southpaw, which I expected to like and ended up really, really hating because of how bad it is oh my god holy shit fuck that movie.
The award goes to:
Directed by Morten Tyldum
Written by Jon Spaihts, 4chan
Pick-up Artists and Social Media Stalkers rejoice! They’ve finally made a movie where you creepy psychopaths get the hot girl.
This movie is like tasting a really good drink. That first sip is so smooth, so nice, so refreshingly unique, and it goes down so well. Then it goes down the wrong pipe and you cough a little. But you cough up blood. Your liver is failing! You spend the rest of your life mulling over all the poor decisions you’ve made that could have gone differently until you eventually succumb, the pain never really letting up.
Passengers is about a man who goes insane and wakes a woman from hypersleep, essentially condemning her to death by life living with him exclusively. She finds out and almost kills him. So far we’re golden. Then formulaic sci-fi shit happens, squarejaw predictably saves the day, Jlaw forgets that he fucking destroyed her life, the movie forgets by justifying it because she helps save the day, and they fall in love all over again and he saves her life by putting her back to sleep.
This movie has so many plot holes I expected Shia LaBeouf to show up.
That joke was bad. This movie doesn’t deserve better.
The setup was so good. You have this crazy insane psychopath ruining this innocent woman’s life. He forces her to fall in love with him. He takes her on dates. He’s so charming, but WE know that he is PSYCHOTIC. Then she finds out. She’s SO mad she almost kills him. And then what happens? The SHIP is BROKEN. Only HE can save the day, but he needs HER HELP! If he didn’t wake her up, all FIVE THOUSAND PASSENGERS (wooo looky there) would be DOOMED!!!!!!!!!
Like jesus christ guys they justify kidnapping and murder. All the critics who called this a stockholm syndrome fantasy were right on the money.
The Ripoff Award
This award goes to the least unique, least original movie I watched in the year. The movie that did nothing or close to it that makes it stand out in any meaningful way, save for how cut/paste it is.
Directed by William Brent Bell
Written by Stacy Menear
Also Written by Gerard Johnstone, Joseph Stefano, and Don Mancini
The Boy is primarily made up of 3 better films: Child’s Play, Housebound, and Psycho. By primarily I mean entirely. There is nothing unique about this movie at all. The set-up, the story, the twist, the hero, the villain, the music, and even the cinematography are all totally ripped from other movies. Occasionally, this can be charming. But the lengths this movie went to do NOTHING at ALL that I haven’t seen before were so shocking that I have to say I was almost impressed.
This movie was, for the most part, a movie I laughed at and made fun of. Usually I look back on those movies with a smile, like Annabelle. But this movie was irredeemable, mostly because the ending was very specifically an almost identical ending to a much better, lesser-known recent horror movie. So that’s why it’s a big, fat, stinky rip-off.
The Sequel Award
This award is for the dumbest, worst, trashiest, etc. sequel of the year. Usually, this award is dedicated to the sequel to a better movie (thus why God’s Not Dead 2 didn’t win this).
The Sequel Award goes to:
The Conjuring 2: Electric Boogaloo
Directed by James Wan
Written by Chad Hayes, Carey W. Hayes, James Wan, David Leslie Johnson, James Wan’s Army of groupies telling him how great he is
I think the first Conjuring is a pretty solid movie. Sure it makes heroes out of the Warrens, who are exploitative charlatans, but it’s a fun, sometimes solidly scary retro-style horror movie. It breaks down completely in the third act, but it breaks down SO throughly that it becomes hilarious, and thus an enjoyable conclusion.
The Conjuring 2, however, starts at batshit stupid and ends at levels of stupidity so mind-numbing that I didn’t enjoy any aspect of it at all and sort of started to get a headache. All the cool, well architected jump scares and creepy atmosphere of the first are totally abandoned in favor of a cheap haunted house thrill ride that shouldn’t justifiably give a boy scout a chill. The cartoonish demon in this made me laugh more than anything, but by the end it was just annoying. And the entire climax is just yelling and flashing lights, which was awesome in the original Poltergeist, but this is now the 193rd horror movie in 30 years to end the exact same way.
The Holier Than Thou Award
No, this is not the religious movie award. This is the award that goes to the most flagrantly on the nose message movie of the year. The movie we get every year about the cantankerous old guy swayed by the love and joy of a young kid or a pet or some other smarmy feel-good bullshit (see St. Vincent, which was ONLY good because of Bill Murray, Pay it Forward, and The Kid, the Bruce Willis one). The message usually contains optimism and a condemnation of cynicism, and mostly comes off as super self-righteous.
The award goes to:
Written and Directed by Bob Nelson
Bob Nelson wrote Nebraska, which I love. Unfortunately, in his directorial debut, he can’t really recapture that magic. What we get is a father and son pseudo-road-movie about an alcoholic divorced dad who connects with his son over a stolen toolbox. Along the way, we meet a colorful cast of characters who range from great (Patton Oswalt as a meth addict) to terrible and/or annoying.
If it sounds good so far, it’s because some of it was. The problem is that it’s super slow, annoyingly feel-good, and the kid is SO annoying. Jaeden Lieberher was fantastic in this year’s Midnight Special, but in this he’s playing a carbon copy of his character in the slightly superior St. Vincent. The overly-mature smart-ass child character is played-out and dull, and I am SICK OF IT.
The HATE Award
Here we are. The final award of the evening. The movie I hated the very most this year. This award is reserved for that special movie that comes along once a year that puts so much kindling on the fires of my hatred that I am incapable of talking about anything else for days. The movie that beats itself into my SOUL and causes me INCALCULABLE amounts of RAGE. The movie that makes me feel the sweet, sweet taste of true, unfiltered aggression when I think about it. Here it is, the movie I hated the very most this year:
Directed by David Ayer
Written by David Ayer in about 2 weeks
“FUCK MARVEL” shouted David Ayer at the premiere of the worst superhero movie I have ever seen in my life.
I really don’t know where to start.
Do I talk about how terrible Margot Robbie’s (a great actress) comedic timing was?
Do I talk about how a cut-out picture of a circus clown would have made a better Joker than Jared Leto?
Do I discuss El Diablo and Killer Croc’s devolutions into racial stereotypes?
Should I mention that the movie has the same ending as Ghostbusters?
Or that the entire middle of the movie is just the Suicide Squad walking through gray rubble and shooting enemies that look like they’re literally made of a pile of boogers and are all identical?
Harley Quin was gross. The Joker made me cringe every time he was on screen. Deadshot was OK but super boring. Katana and Amanda Waller were good. Rick Flagg was terrible. The army of soldiers didn’t make any god damn sense. The Enchantress was hilariously bad. Slipknot’s shining moment was the only part of the movie I enjoyed at all. Captain Boomerang’s pink unicorn bullshit was shameful. I’m glad they never explained it. I’M GLAD THE JOKE DIDN’T MAKE SENSE. I’M GLAD THIS MOVIE IS TERRIBLE BECAUSE THAT’S ALL IT DESERVES.
I HATED this movie. I was BORED by this movie. I was FRUSTRATED by this movie. I was OFFENDED by this movie. It was painful to sit through, and the idea of watching the “extended cut” featuring “more Joker” sounds about as pleasurable and stabbing myself in the hand with a dull spoon until I finally got through.
The acting was awful. The pacing was awful. The writing was awful. The plot didn’t make a damn bit of sense (when there even was plot). The costume designs were awful. The set designs were awful. The merchandising is still awful. The soundtrack is heinous. Everything is terrible. I hate this movie.