31 Days of Horror! Day 13


Annabelle (2014)
Ahhhh Annabelle, you stupid dingus doll. You were a throwaway stinky garbage intro to the pretty solid The Conjuring and now you get your own throwaway stinky garbage movie! I really don’t know whether to call this movie the worst horror movie of 2014 or the best comedy of 2014. It’s just that bad.

It’s about this lovely young couple who are having a baby and their neighbors get murdered by their daughter and her fun new cult bae. These fun young fools go into our intrepid young heroes’ home and the woman grabs Annabelle (who was a gift for the lady from her hubbie) and bleeds into it, thus demon whatever they never really bother explaining why bleeding on a doll means anything. ANYWHO, weird stuff begins happening in the house and the kitchen catches on fire and the husband comes home and the lovely young couple has the baby THAT NIGHT (wow) and then they move. Oh also the baby’s name is Leah and the mom’s name is Mia so that’s stupid. Oh also before they moved, the husband threw Annabelle in the trash (where the script was being stored). So they moved to Pasadena and LO AND BEHOLD BananaBob made her way into a suitcase. From the trash. And you know they meet an old ghost bookstore lady and a priest and the priest gets punted out of the church and the stroller scene from Ghostbusters 2 happens and a stupid-looking demon shows up and this is the way the movie ends.
This is the way the movie ends.
This is the way the movie ends.
Not with a bang,
but with a yawn and a chuckle.

I could go on for a very long time about all the problems with this movie but instead I will just list them in short, succinct form.


– There was one shot that looked like the camera was sitting on the floor but it was kind of tilted for a weird looking-up diagonally effect and it was stupid and terrible
– There was another shot that sort of panned up toward a rocking chair that little Annabelle was rocking in and the chair was moving forward and backward as the camera went up and it gave you a really dizzy feeling. Maybe it was intentional, maybe it wasn’t. I don’t really care either way, it sucked.
– There were 12 (I counted) long shots of Annabelle alone in a room not doing anything with nothing happening around her. Why? I don’t think we’ll ever rally know.
– Seriously NOTHING happened. Not a blink. Not subtle creepy motion. Nothing in the background.
– No lie that stroller scene is STRAIGHT ripped from Ghostbusters 2.
– Putting a demon in the movie seemed super pointless because they barely showed it and it wasn’t scary.
– It seems like no matter how good a modern horror movie is, they just can’t nail the demon. I liked Sinister, The Conjuring, and Insidious and the demons SUCKED in all of them.
– The ending was dumb as hell.
– That’s an objective fact.
– The scene where the demon tied a string to a pulley system and made it look like Annabelle was floating; CLASSIC slapstick.
– Not that I was excited at all, but this has made me even less excited for The Conjuring 2: Let’s keep Lorraine Warren in Silk.

So yeah if you miss Annabelle, no worries, you can see it on DVD or the internet or you could play the smart game and just go ahead and not see Annabelle. You could clip your toenails. Walk your dog. Literally sit in silence with an empty mind for the exact running time of the movie (98 painstaking but hilarious minutes). Any of these activities and more would be more worth your time and money.

P.S. Admittedly I loved sitting through this movie. Between how laughably bad it was and how hilariously scared everyone in the theater was, it was worth the $5 admission. But don’t go in expecting to be frightened. Yeah maybe a jump scare will get you but this is not a movie you have nightmares about.


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